I have a friend who could lose his business at the end of this month. I know someone whose father and sister are on ventilators in hospitals miles apart, both suffering from Covid-19. I myself am "on sabbatical" since my main client has suspended all work. They make up 80% of my income and give purpose to my locked-down day. All of those things are reasons for feeling intensely anxious. But what has got me upset? The fact that my earphones aren't working.
I use my earphones for running. The only time I've run without them in living memory is at the Ealing 10K 8 years ago, when they were banned. I arrived at that race angry with the organisers over this. After all, it's not like we were running on the roads, so it wasn't for our own safety. And it wasn't like I turn it up loud, so I wouldn't be annoying other runners. I constantly check behind me, so I wouldn't be blocking anyone because I couldn't hear them either. I was in a big sulk about it. "Bloody running snobs" I thought - there is a belief in some circles that you are not a "real" runner if you run with music.
Would I be able to get through it at all without the Foo Fighters?, I wondered. One kilometre in I swore that I would never ever run without music again. I was bored, irritable, focussed on imagined discomforts in my body. And all these feelings increased as the race went on. Anger is not a great emotion for running an enjoyable race. Nor apparently a fast one. My training time was 56 minutes. My race time was 13 minutes more.
But why does music matter so much? Maybe because it distracts me from thinking and feeling things I don't want to think and feel. Especially now when my head is full of rubbish like "Will I catch this thing and end up in hospital?" "Will I ever feel safe to go on the tube again?" "Will I be stopped from running?" "Will I be forced to wear a mask?" "Will I be tagged once lockdown is over and my every sneeze and move monitored?" "Will the vaccination even end all this or will another strain come along?" So maybe that's the reason it seemed so imperative right now that I listen to music. The problem is that, although you might banish the feelings and worries for half a track, it's not an effective way of dealing with them.
Last Sunday, I was about to set off on a 10 mile run, when I found there was no sound coming from my earphones. I disconnected and reconnected them to the phone. I turned the phone on and off. I turned Bluetooth on and off. I reset the earphones. I did these things several times. Finally, slamming the case shut, I set off on my run without them.
As I jogged down my street, I remembered - after 18 months of counselling, I still have to be reminded over and over - that I know how to deal with anxious thoughts.
Recognise that the thought is there.
Pause rather than reacting. In the case of running, it helps to physically pause too.
Feel the feeling it's causing but don't start rationalising.
Breathe - pausing after each inhalation and each exhalation.
Remember that this is only a thought - the mind's madness - and imagine it drifting off.
Bring yourself back to the moment. Be totally conscious. There is only this step, then the next step, then the next step. In other words "be mindful".
I set off on my run with that bit about one step after the next after the next in my head. And to my surprise, for the first time in decades, I could actually hear those steps. Feel and imagine each leg moving forward. Hear my breath. Hear the silence - I can now run from my flat to a field in Brentford (almost one and a half miles), barely seeing a car. In fact, the only (rather annoying) noise was my American Strava lady announcing "You have now completed 2 miles. Your pace is 10.03 minutes." It was a fabulous run.
And if you want to know the end of the earphones story, they've now gone off for repair or replacement. But not before I tried every suggestion on every forum and made 3 calls to Apple, only to be taken through the same procedures again. I managed to keep my patience on the phone. But inside, I was seething. Yet again, the process for dealing with difficult thoughts and emotions had slipped my mind!